I can give King Hong Kong shit all I want, but the fact is, the place is just like any other country I have visited in the past in one important regard: if you can’t speak their language, you are guaranteed to find countless residents who speak English. Mostly because Hong Kong is officially bilingual, Cantonese and English. Which, mainland China aka the rest of China minus Hong Kong, Macau and Taiwan speaks neither Cantonese nor English. Mainlanders speak Mandarin. Mandarin is much easier than Cantonese, but at the same time, much harder than English. But both Mandarin AND Cantonese are technically Chinese. Capishe?
Besides all the Indian intestine issuance and hellish heat quips, the city is actually amazing! Yes, it is the biggest urban abomination this side of the planet, but it is also surrounded by greenery like you wouldn’t believe. The docks seem pretty dirty and crowded, but one half an hour bus ride away are some of the most beautiful beaches in the world. Yes, walking those chicken-pen-crowded streets sucks, but hiking the amazing hills around Hong Kong will clear your head like sniffing a fat green cocaine line. And let’s not talk about the clichéd albeit quite spectacular beauty of the greenery, beaches and mountains. Let’s, for a change discuss the beauty of the urban world.
These big buildings will make you think that you are on a different planet. I grew up in the capital of my country, but the biggest building we got would be the Tyrion Lannister of Hong Kong. Sure, most capitals in the world can find a building or two that will maybe even get to a Hound status in this city of giants. But ALL OF the buildings in Hong Kong are The Mountain! The first thought that comes to mind when I think about Hong Kong now, is a Tom and Jerry episode. Jerry goes to the big city for the first time for some reason or another. He walks down the street while staring at the huge building around the place. He stares so hard that he starts walking upwards and falls down on his sphincter. Hilarious and definitely true for Hong Kong. I was a Mouse in Manhattan.
Chokful of unbelievable human made monuments, brimful of temples and inner-city parks, an abundance of culture and history, life galore. This place is a heaven. It shares history… and some present with the Brits. Like historical monuments, street names and the whole tea thing, but mostly because only in London and Hong Kong will you be expected to pay one million GBP/HKD for a simple meal that will leave both your stomach and your wallet empty. Millions of most any currency in the world is the same for poor people. A LOT! Seriously though, inflation is REAL in HK. You can see the past, the present and the future in Hong Kong, the skyscraper haven.
I saw some touristy things, but due to poor decision making and just general cheapness, not too many things. If you are looking for the Hong Kong Poor People Peregrination Pathfinder (I pulled that one out of my ass), first edition, you’ve come to the wrong place, wo pengyou (my friend – 我朋友, literally: my friendly friend – and this is one of those astatine rare translations that actually makes sense)!
While in Rome Hong Kong, do as Hong Kong people, Hongkongers, Hong kongese do. So what do geese do in Hong Kong, you ask? They walk in crowds or they take the subway in crowds. Basically, just do things in crowds. This is also true for the rest of China (well, at least the mainland). So I immersed myself in the crowded culture with the commuters. I went to meet a secret 00 agent sent by my visa agency hired by my future Chinese boss. This dude was so secretive, I might just dub him a 000 agent. Only he’s more like the silent henchman, because he was indeed silent and he was indeed but a henchman for the real agent who made herself known much later. I was late because I couldn’t find our meeting place, so by the time a showed up the dude left. We tried again the next day, I arrived an hour early, brought him my passport, entrance slip (they give you those instead of a stamp at airport customs) and a picture.
All in order except, wait, no, the picture seems like it is too old. So, we take another one. But the problem is, I got a plain white T on me, and the visa requirements require a colored T on a white background. If you ask me, that is quite racist towards white Ts. But I am not here to fight for the equality of all Ts, I am merely there to get my visa. So, I go home to change my T and take 3,000 photos with my iPhone 5. Not one of those attempts at portrait photography is deemed worthy of a visa application. A real photographer would have made it work. My dreams of becoming a professional picture taker crumble. So I go outside to find a photo studio, instead of just approaching the nearest friendly person and asking them for help. Because my intelligence levels are basically Goku Super Saiyajin Gotto (pronounced with a perfectly intense Japanese accent) levels at this point. I do the deed, do the surrender and get myself home to a well-deserved rest. My room has enough space for a bed and a chair. The space for the chair is taken by the bathroom. So there is no space. One of my Hong Kong research marathons resulted in me reading about bedbugs in hotels and hostels. So I spend three nights with the lights on and waking up every half an hour. WiFi is fast AF though!
The errand-free one day waiting period was spent walking around with my friend Ashley and her friend who doesn’t speak English. They asked for a day off from work to tour Hong Kong with me, the angels. I realized two things that day. One: this girl is weird AF, and I completely gave up on trying to get all up in her business right then and there. And two: no matter how expensive a transportation mode may be, it is MUCH cheaper than a waste of time. And I wasted a lot of time I could have spent seeing some more cool shit trying to be the walking tourist. Don’t get me wrong, that guy is cool, he just don’t belong in most of Hong Kong.
Got that visa on the first try. I complain about having bad luck all the time, but after researching and discovering the amount of shit that could happen if you were to undertake what I just did, I think my guardian angel is either a high level master wizard or just a very hard-working card trick magician.
Peace and mild annoyance!